puisi orang gila

remember when we talk for the first time? we don't know each other. you may know me and have some perception. but my bad traits (maybe) is i don't give attention to social world. i have my own world. so i know you purely from your vibe. in a virtual world, we did sharing jokes, sharing bad stories, good stories, meme, complaining about college things. so much. even small talk, like what i did, where i am, things i like and i don't like, you may know.

i don't know when it starts to be like this. you became my world. and we're stranger again to each other after 2 years. maybe because i said "i like you. i wanna still be your friend". i know you have boyfriend and look happier. yes of course, i cherish it. but i am kinda jealous that i can't being that close to you again. i'm afraid if you leave me. even when you said "no, i am not going anywhere and you can still contact me like usually." or "yeah it's about priority, when you like someone you prioritize them." i was panicked. i don't want someone i am comfortable with leave me like that.

i know, i was pulling myself to no where. i restricted your social media accounts to make sure you don't know what i posted to my story. i know. i know i am that bad. i am really sorry. i was panicked. so sad. i really wanted you to be mine but i can't deal with reality that i am shy and clumsy men. my ego is higher than everest mountain. seems like i don't have any effort to make friends with you. or approach with the way you comfortable. you said "prioritize someone if you love them". again, i feel dilemma. i feel like am chosen to be your best friend (70%) also to be your another choice of lovers (30%). and that 30% make me overthink. i don't know how to prioritize, as a best friend or as a someone i wanna live with forever? i am stupid, right? i don't even know what the f*ck is wrong with my feeling. i love you as a best friend? i love you as a crush? i don't know because i am insecure, vulnerable, and stupid.

at the end, i always talk what i want. i don't ask you what i am to you and where my place is. so i don't know how to act right. i am sad until this day. the good memories of you came to my head. again. again. again. and again. and i miss you, even though we were just friend in college.

until this day, it hurts a lot when i remember you said "you be in my life or not, it's the same, i lose nothing." and "i regret response serious to you when you said you like me." also "you're the same with the dogs." last, "let me unfollow you, i help you to heal, i am so pity of you."

now, even we still meet 3 or 4 times in that community to work and elaborate our skills, to chase each other's dream, it still hurts and i don't know how to talk to you. i scared. i don't know. everything i do maybe will make everything worst. feels like i am not belong here. feels like i need to disappear again.

everyday, i choose to forgive you. i choose to forgive everything. i hope we can make good relationship again as a human and maybe friend. i don't ask you anything again, i don't ask you to forgive me again. it's all depends to you. feel free to talk or dump me.

now, i focus to respect myself, not in a selfish way. i want to be happy, even it hurts sometimes. i am so grateful you were big part of my life journey. thank you so much for being in my life. God may bless you in every step of your life. also we'll still meet again someday if we continue to explore this world, so, this isn't a goodbye song, this is just a checkpoint song.

to be continued...